We Love, We Learn, Get Amnesia and Start All Over

But Your Honor!!! I'm so different from those other girls!

2009-05-25T19:37:00.005-04:00

Have you ever watched those Lifetime movies where the girl becomes extremely psychotic and starts stalking “her man”? I’ve always wondered if she became crazy before or after she met him. Now granted there are some women who are just plain crazy and should probably abstain from any and all relationships but what about the women who were once normal? Why do they become so brain dead when it comes to guys?

There are always signs in a relationship that pop up to guide you to the right choice. Some women pay attention and others CHOOSE to ignore. The only problem with ignoring these signs is that the consequences can be very traumatic. How many times have you dated a guy who said he “wasn’t ready for a relationship”? Don’t lie to yourself, be honest. Now, how many times have you kept on dating that same guy thinking that you were the girl that was going to change his mind? Again, please be completely honest. NOW, how many times did you end up at your best friend’s doorstep with mascara running down your neck because he “broke up” with you and you don’t know why? This one can be quite embarrassing and I fully understand if you would prefer to skip to the next sentence. Now before we continue I just want to bring something to your attention. Technically he couldn’t have “broken up” with you because you weren’t in a relationship. That’s another mistake we make as women. We get so wrapped up in a man’s life that we make ourselves believe we really are in a relationship. Women are born fixers. We see a challenge and we have an overwhelming need to conquer it. It’s equivalent to a man’s need for a chase except his doesn’t have a 99.9% disaster rate.

When a man says he’s not ready for a relationship he’s basically telling you that he’s only planning on using you for whatever you’ll give him. One thing that truly enrages me is that a woman will still date a guy who says this. What’s even worse is when all is said and done they blame the guy and think he’s the jerk. Ummm HELLO!!! Didn’t he tell you from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship? These words should be an automatic turn off and bells should start ringing in your ears (AND NO NOT WEDDING BELLS).

Bottom Line: When a man tells you he’s not ready for a relationship wait until the food and drinks are served and the check is paid and get the heck out of there. Don’t sit around and think of ways to change his mind. If you do you’ll end up naked, confused and looking like a raccoon.

Geesh!! It's the First Date Not Your Wedding Vows

2009-04-10T22:04:00.002-04:00

Some people believe in love at first site and some people believe in lust at first sight. Which is it? Can you love someone the first time you meet them? I really don’t think so. When you meet someone for the first time you aren’t actually meeting them, you’re meeting their representative. Everyone has flaws and everyone tries to hide them, especially in a new relationship. I have had friends go on one date and tell me “He’s the one!’. A few months later she’s moved into his apartment and they’re contemplating on what color poodle to get. A few months later she’s on my couch crying because she doesn’t understand where it went wrong. She reminisces on the first date when they fell in love. At this point we can clearly conclude that amnesia has set in.

First Date: the first meeting between two people who are attracted to each other in which the MAN BUYS DINNER (you are not allowed to go to McDonald’s and use a coupon).

Let me just say this for all you women out there. I see nothing wrong with a man using a coupon as long as he is taking you somewhere nice and thoughtful. To me, this says he is fully aware of how important saving money is and he’s probably got a nice little nest egg. (Of course, this is my personal opinion. I’m not expecting you to agree but I would like you to keep an open mind.)

Now, let’s get back to the real action. So can anyone guess what went wrong? Let’s do a replay of the first date. Obviously there was some serious chemistry going on that lead to a more intimate first date. As women, we have to be extremely careful on the first date. Like I said before, first dates include representatives not real people. Don’t ever go on a first date and think you’re in love. It’s a natural reaction for human beings to mask flaws and insecurities. The person you think you’re in love with may not be the person you were actually on a date with. We all have flaws and we don’t want to be exposed on the first date so we keep up a front. There is a reason why you date before you get married or move in with someone. It’s through the full dating process that you begin to learn more about one another and become more comfortable. You need to be sure that you know this person inside and out. When you become more comfortable walls start to come down. When your partner starts to break down his/her walls this allows you to see who they really are. If you’re paying attention you will notice things that may or may not be the qualities you’re looking for.

There are always signs but women get so wrapped up in what they think they want that they completely miss them. I’m not saying break ups are just the fault of the woman but I think our amnesia prevents us from protecting our own interests. First dates are for general information and to test out chemistry. Don’t make it too personal just talk about basics. You need to offer enough of yourself so your date feels comfortable opening up. Don’t talk about marriage, kids, or anything that might be controversial. And if I catch any of you having sex on the first date I will ban you from this blog.

Bottom Line: Keep the first date simple yet make him want more. No matter how strongly you feel about your date you need to pace yourself. If you move too fast you’ll end up missing important signs along the way that may be a warning of the dangers ahead. Don’t reminisce on past relationships but just REMEMBER what you learned and apply it to the next.

I Look Like J-Lo and I'm Still Single.

2009-04-07T20:24:00.010-04:00

Remember when we went out the other night?? You were wearing jeans that you starved yourself for a month to get into? They made your booty look like J-Lo in heaven. You went home alone that night with not even a number. How is it possible for someone to look this good and still be single? I have one word for you, one word that will change your life forever and it doesn’t involve losing 30 pounds or getting a facelift. Are you ready? C-O-N-F-I-D-E-N-C-E. Yes, it is that simple.

I know you are wondering how could it really affect your love life but before you start thinking I’m crazy let’s take a stroll down memory lane. Last week, you were at the grocery store and you looked decent; you’re hair was nice and straight and you were wearing a new outfit and painfully cute shoes. You see this Greek god walking up the aisle and get ready to make your move. Before you can give him the “come and get me” smile this rabid dog gets in the way and plants a huge, sloppy kiss on him. (Rabid Dog: the woman we all look better than but she always gets our men.) Let’s pause for a minute and evaluate what the hell just happened. You look good, she doesn’t. You are single, she has the Greek god. She’s not aesthetically pleasing but she has the one thing you lack, confidence. A man doesn’t want a woman he has to constantly charge up. He wants a woman who has self confidence and self esteem.

Let’s not even talk about men for a quick second. Women have this ideal image of what we should look like and it doesn’t even come close to reality. We live in a world of airbrushed magazine covers and lots of silicon. In the previous blog I stated that a man will only treat you as good as you treat yourself. If you’re not willing to take the time and effort to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally, how can you expect to fulfill all of your partner’s needs?

A lot of women think having a man in their life is the only way they can feel complete. You are so wrong. Physical appearance will only hold a man for so long. If there isn’t anything behind the face he’ll get bored and leave. If you don’t have any confidence, then fake it. I personally believe that a woman shouldn’t date until she has become comfortable in her own skin and is stable enough to participate in a relationship without losing herself.

Bottom Line: Don’t be afraid to let the rabid dog in you come out. If you’re not willing to take the time to believe in yourself please don’t expect a man to do it for you. Like I’ve said before, a man wants to hunt but he doesn’t want to tenderize his meat before he eats it.

Smothering Mother

2009-04-06T21:50:00.014-04:00

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies....

Where do we begin? Do you remember the exact moment in your last relationship when you knew something had gone wrong?? Where were you? Were you texting him? Maybe you were sleeping over for the FOURTH night in a row? This seems to be a recurring nightmare for many women. Women have this nagging habit of doing too much too soon. Text messaging, phone calls, emails, MySpace, Facebook and maybe even a few drive bys are ALL A BIG NO NO when it comes to new relationships. One of the biggest mistakes women make in a relationship is too much communication. A man wants to chase not be chased. If he calls, let it ring. Don’t return the call immediately; make him a wait a day or two. When you do call, don’t apologize for taking your time. He needs to know that you are independent and don’t need him. Let him know your time is priceless and he needs to earn it. In relationships women have a tendency to be at a man’s beck and call….WRONG! Unless you have a ring on your finger you answer to no one.

My dad always used to say, “Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?” I understand that everyone has their own personal view on premarital sex and that’s okay. If you decide to take the plunge and have a little premarital fun PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do it wisely. If you’re looking for a solid relationship don’t put out on the first date. A man will only treat you as good as you treat yourself. If he’s a good guy not only will he stay interested but he’ll also step up his game. He might call you a little more often or maybe want to go out more. Don’t take this as a sign to go crazy and forget everything I told you. You need to maintain your independence and slowly give him more of you. Sex is the final deal. No matter how much you learn about each other, spend time with each other or love each other the minute you engage in sexual intercourse you seal your fate. Unless you have confirmation or a ring as proof that your relationship is exclusive you should NEVER EVER EVER sleep with a man. If you give him too much he no longer needs to hunt because he has everything he wants. This is the point of your relationship when you see things start to go downhill. You’re putting 150 percent into a relationship and getting 20 percent back.

Bottom Line: Less is more. Don’t overdo it, let him come to you.